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Serendipity |
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Minnow Logic: Practices, Dieting, Eating, Drinking & Heart Attacks Mr. Know-it-All answers questions about healthy eating and exercise |
Top 10 reasons why hurricane season is like Christmas A Good Pun is its own Reward... you have been forewarned
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Rene Descartes, French philosopher and scientist, didn't exactly use those precise words. While contemplating reality and existence, what he really said was more like "Cogito, ergo sum" (I think; therefore, I exist). But if he had known about Masters swimming and the Merry Minnows, he surely would have said, "Nato, ergo sum" (I swim; therefore, I exist). Other great thinkers, writers, and statesmen would have shared Descartes' enthusiasm for Masters swimming, if they had only known about it...
| Woodrow Wilson |
The world must be made safe for swimming. |
| Patrick Henry |
I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me Masters swimming or give me death. |
| Charles Darwin |
The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to swim. |
| P.T. Barnum |
There's a swimmer born every minute. |
| Thomas Edison |
Swimming is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. |
| Ralph Waldo Emerson |
Swimming, thou art to me a delicious torment. |
| Noel Coward |
Mad dogs and Masters swimmers go out in the midday sun. |
| William Shakespeare |
A pool! A pool! My kingdom for a pool! |
| Edmund Burk |
Masters swimming reconciles us to everything. |
| Leo Tolstoy |
All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I swim. |
| Sir Francis Bacon |
He won it, that swam it best. |
| Julius Caesar |
I came, I saw, I swam. |
| Joseph Conrad |
Mistah Kurtz -- he swim. |
| Alfred, Lord Tennyson |
There is no joy but swimming. |
| William Wordsworth |
Swimming ever seemed to be / A kind of heavenly destiny. |
| Sir Francis Bacon |
The place of swimming is a hallowed place. |
| William Shakespeare |
I count myself in nothing else so happy / As in a soul remembering my good swims. |
| Lewis Carroll |
"Begin at the beginning," the king said gravely, "and go on till you come to the end; then stop." |
| Edgar Allan Poe |
All that we see or seem / Is but a swim within a dream. |
| Virgil |
Swimming conquers everything. |
Newton's Laws of Competitive Swimming
Law of Gravity
When left unattended, a swimmer will gravitate to the worst technique possible.
Law of Inertia
A swimmer at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force. A swimmer in motion will tend to rest as soon as possible unless acted upon by an outside force.
Laws of Acceleration & Momentum
The Law of Acceleration only applies for about two minutes after the swimmer remembers it's important; then, the law of Momentum becomes dominant and is soon supplanted by the law of Inertia.
Law of Static Levels
Swimmers will automatically seek their own comfort level and tend to attract others to do the same.
Opposition Principle
When asked to kick rapidly, swimmers tend not to; when told not to kick, swimmers tend to kick rapidly.
Space - Time Continuum
When swimming breaststroke or butterfly in practice, swimmers hands are attracted to the turning wall, each hand at a different speed, at different times, at different points not in the same plane, where they become attached to the wall by unseen forces for undue amounts of time.
Relativity
The position of the swimmer's body while swimming in relation to the position it is supposed to be in may vary +/- 100%.
Vertical and Horizontal Telemetry
When rotated 90 degrees from the vertical (standing) to supine position (swimming), the brain loses most of its ability to function.
Minnow Logic
Swim PracticesIn mathematics, a basic truth is that
Applying this mathematical principle to the science of swimming, it stands to reason that...
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DietingThe ideal method for losing weight is to do two different diets at the same time. That way, you lose twice as much weight twice as fast ... and you get to eat twice as much food.
Eating, Drinking, and Heart AttacksThe Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you. | |
Mr. Know-it-All answers questions about Diet & Exercise
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: What? Have you not been paying attention? Cocoa beans -- another vegetable! Chocolate is the best health food there is.
10. You get to decorate the house, especially the windows.
9. You drag out boxes of equipment that haven't been used since last season.
8. There's last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows are pre-empted for "specials."
6. You get all kinds of presents from people in your neighborhood, usually found somewhere in your yard.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state are calling more frequently.
4. You're buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. There are days off from work
2. Candles.
And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...
1. At some point, you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
